Current events have hit home for me today. I know of someone close who deals with depression; I have never been diagnosed with depression, but I have been extremely sad and I have contemplated suicide.... many times.
I often look back to when I was in high school, becoming a teenager and what it took to survive that. Many of you who have known me for that long, may think that I have always been a happy-go-lucky person. The truth is, as a teenager I faced doubts and insecurities that I bet many teenagers face. I hated who I was, hated that I wasn't taller, smarter, stronger, better looking, funnier. I hated that I didn't have a steady girlfriend. I hated that I wasn't a star athlete. I hated that I wasn't part of the "popular kids." I cried myself to sleep. I looked in the mirror and wondered how come I was so worthless. I sat in darkness and thought of ways to just end it all....leave it behind me and end all the pain. I was mad because I had these thoughts over trivial things. Just typing these words make now me a little angry. It was my own silent hell because I couldn't fully express how I was feeling to anyone. I covered it up and hid it inside me. It was easy because I was friendly and fun to be around for the most part. I would also erupt in fits of rage or sadness at unexpected times. I took it out on myself, my friends and my family. At 15, I almost ended it all.
You know how you wish you could go back and tell your younger self something? I wish I could tell 15-year-old Huu, "Hey, it gets better." My teenage years were not great, but I got lucky. I got through it. I found people, whether they know it or not, that helped me get to where I am today. My parents: I always thought they knew nothing, they were too hard on me, they were from an older generation and different country, how could they possibly understand me. I found out everything they did (and do) for me is out of love. I still get frustrated with them, but I now feel the unconditional love they have for me and 15-year-old Huu didn't know that. My siblings: I was a selfish selfish brother growing up. I didn't play well and was definitely never in the running for best older brother. We grew up, and we grew closer. From them, I learned to care for more than myself. Your siblings are the ones who are with you from beginning to end. I wouldn't have it any other way. My friends: I always had great friends. I just didn't realize how much I would need them. I did not realize I had friends who would go to the ends of the world and back for me, like I would for them. Friends that cared deeply for me and wanted me to succeed. Fifteen-year-old Huu was looking for happiness in the wrong places, he had them much closer than he thought.
That's the problem with being sad or depressed. It's so hard to see the forest through all the trees. You focus on what is wrong and the stuff that is right is of no solace to you. This blog post is not a success story. Am I still awkward? Yes. Do I still have my insecurities? Very much so. Do I still repress my emotions? A little bit. This post is also not a "if I can do it, you can too." I was never diagnosed with depression, I might have just been extremely sad. Maybe this is normal for all people at that age. This post is a letter to those around me who may suffer from any form of depression. A letter stating that I do care about you. If you're reading this, I'm obviously a part of your life in some way and you are in mine in some way. I do care about you, I have a hard time articulating my thoughts and feelings sometimes and this is the easiest medium for me express it. This letter is also a thank you. A thank you to everyone in my life who has been there at one point or another. Even the simplest things have made a difference. Whether you've sat with me and let me rant because I just had my heart broken or you passed me and smiled at me, brightening up my day.
Finally, this letter is also a reminder. I wish I could say I am a success story. I wish I could say, I fought back against depression and found my cure, but the truth is, that 15-year-old teenager crying alone still lives inside me. I still have insecurities, I still judge myself and I still have a hard time expressing all my emotions-- but thirty-year-old Huu has more weapons at his disposal. I have blessings that I count. I have more patience and dedication to fight back against my sadness. I also have a belief. I know it's a long journey ahead, but I've surrounded myself with the right situations to give me faith that I can pull through. I got through the age of 15 after all.
