I've been doing a lot of introspection lately. I'm constantly trying to better myself and work on things that make me unhappy. Which brings me to today. I had a chance meeting, wherein an opportunity was presented before me. I don't even think five seconds passed before I threw out a reason of why it wouldn't work. As the meeting went on, I just thought to myself..... "Why do I always do that? Why do I create roadblocks for myself?" Good question (probably because I asked it). Today shed light on something that has plagued me for a while now. It pains me to admit that I'm not the guy that takes opportunity and seizes it by the horn. I find reason after reason to pigeon hole myself.
I wish I could say I was writing this tonight as a cautionary tale. Or that I decided that tomorrow I'm going to change my ways, turn over a new leaf and instantly become a better me. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Maybe some of you who can't relate to this feeling (or even if you can), want to tell me "Just man up, and get over your little problem." I actually think that advice is a good start, but not particularly helpful. Obviously, if it was a switch in my brain that I could turn on and off, then it could be that easy. But I've had 29 years of training, 29 years of creating my own personal obstacles, 29 years of getting in my own way, 29 years of making up demons in my head... I don't think taking 29 seconds to "get over it" is going to work. It's like a sickness, an addiction, a way of thinking that I've been accustomed to for a long time; as the saying goes, "Old habits die hard."
So why am I writing this today? I'll tell you what's going to happen. I'm going to finish writing this. Read it over once or twice. I will hover my mouse over publish, because I'm scared to post something like this, seriously, this post scares the SH*T out of me.... so why do it? Am I asking for advice? No, I don't think that's it. Am I asking for your pity and words of encouragement? Maybe. I think if someone were to comment on this, it would actually make me feel more insecure knowing that someone read this, saw a little more into my soul and saw that I harbor a little craziness that I try to keep bottled in. Is it a cry for help, that I desperately want attention? I'll rule that out. Trust me, if I want attention, I have much better ways of getting it. (Zach Braff tweet anyone else here? Right.)
I guess the point of this post tonight is.... I want to be better. I want to improve myself. Maybe to do that, I do have to share a little of my insecurities. Maybe I can't bottle it in, and deal with it myself. Maybe I need to let my friends and family know, I have some things I need to work on. Maybe you can help, maybe you can't. Maybe there is no advice that you can give me that will make me healthier, maybe I need to seek professional help. But the bottom line is, even if you can't help, you can still stand by my side. I know who my closest friends are, I know that my family loves me. I know that I am not alone in all this. Even if you can't relate to my struggles, you will be here for me and maybe, just maybe, that will give me the strength to fix my problems. I will hope and find the help I need, and now that I have this written down, on the internet where everything is forever, I have accountability. I can't hide behind this insecure part of myself anymore. Now that you know, I have to get help and get better or you will know that I failed....but I also know that you won't let me fail.
